In Progress...

I’ll start it with Anathema’s Fragile Dreams lyrics:
Today I introduced myself to my own feelings…
In silent agony, after all these years…
They spoke to me, after all these years…

(Note: yesterday is some blurry moments from the past and not particularly yesterday or few days before, and so today is not the future…it’s the current minute…)
Yesterday:
People: I really gave much…took much, cared for much, get involved much, loved much, and wrapped myself to people much, lost many, gained few.
Music: alternative, soft rock, blues, and jazz, some Arabic…
Started guitar lessons…thinking “I’ll be playing these French oldies and my Bryan Adams’ favorites and fayrouze…”
Studying: books’ wormy…
Coffee shops: cherries waterpipe (argheleh) with any kind of coca, diet 7up most of the time…
Clothing: anything that fits me, because I was like 10 kg heavier :D
Parents: really didn’t like them…
Religions: drifted…not getting myself into anywhere asking the questions I couldn’t find their answers at the time…
Policy: protest!!!
Me: confused, killed some inner beasts and fought with some others…bought many smiles…
Eating: ate much much; and I reckon MUCH…of everything…

Today:
People: Numb as I’ve never been before when dealing with ppl no matter how close they used to be, but I’m relieved as I’ve never been…
Cut off the wires that connected me with ppl and prevented me from being in complete peace with myself.
Music: hard rock, metal (Doom, Gothic, Symphonic, Progressive, Black)… reduced my Arabic albums to end up having only Fayrouz’s and Ziad’s and Maghda’s albums. Bye bye bryan adams and oldies, (I’m now dreaming of playing Tarrega’s and Segovia’s and Bach’s great pieces, and thinking “it’s easy now to play electric…let’s give it a try!”), some jazz…
Studying: what??!! Say “studying” in front of me three times and I’m dead! cuz it’s not fair! Wallhi it’s not fair, I mean by what means, I took 24\30 in my programming practical exam, and I haven’t study a shit?? And my friend who helped me getting some points 5 minutes before we get the papers, only had 17!! This is ironic…no more studying! (I didn’t use any indirect ways I swear... ;))…so what do you think?
Coffee shops: grapes’ waterpipe, and only Orange coca…
Clothing: I can wear whatever…lost 10kgs of my extra 14kgs, I’m proud of this! I mean this is an achievement, this is a sign that when I will to do something, it’s done for sure, I can do whatever, I just need to will…
I’m into black stuff more…I like silver accessories.
Parents: proud of them as individuals, thy finally understood the independence I seek in our relation and they’re respecting this, but they drop some advices from time to time, which I appreciate.
Religions: My Humanity First…now and for good…
Policy: “membership means nothing” I’m not baathi…just because a paper says so… I believe in the “Great Syria” concept but I’m not a Syrian Nationalist …, I believe we must separate religion from policy but I’m not communist…but above all; I’m not ready to be tricked again with hypnotizing words and promises, this is the human voice in me, and for the sake of my\others humanity and not by the means of being involved in any political game.
Policy is dirty; this is what my daddy (who was a communist and a fighting one I think!) told me while I was crying…and I mean it CRYING because he said something like “I don’t really think it’s a good idea right now to become a communist dear!”, when I was telling him “I wanna join the party”…I guess I rushed at that time…and he’s right…
Me: I know what I am…trust myself and believe in me…and that’s all I need for the minute .Inner Peace. No more buying smiles…when I’m sad I’m gonna cry the hell out of my pain, and when I’m happy I’m gonna invest the minute…beasts are killed, and CARPE DIEM…
Eating: not into anything but chocolates! I mean I can stay like 5 days and eat nothing but chocolates, and of course a lot of coffee…all kinds of coffee.


Finally people change, but it’s really important to set your mind on some basics that cannot be changed, those concepts or principles or ideas…are the ones about humanity, about you sitting to yourself and feel that you can only tell yourself these stuff…they are just like your thumb lines and DNA…only you have them…this is what it means to be an INDIVIDUAL.

The Hole in The Wall

the Brush has joined the war...
(thanx you Samer 4 the pix)

To HELL!

You lay there, breathing your last breathes, fighting your fatal death, I look at your naked body, and I feel like tearing it into pieces, you were the ugliest! The most stupid, the rudest, and the toughest!
When you came to us, hiding yourself in the shape of a saint…we all asked ya to be our awaiting, for some you were the last hope! And you let them down…
For some you were the stair to heaven, but you knocked them away! Now that nothing’s left of your saint’s robe; I look at you…full of stains and brands, I can see blood on your hands, of course! You were WAR! You were FAMINE! You were DEATH! You were SATAN!
You greedy one! What have you done? How did you bring all these diseases, hurricanes, conspiracies, hatred, and death! Where did you hide them!?
I can remember how happy I was welcoming you! But I was a gullible!
No, nobody’s sorry for your death! But as for me; I won’t be a gullible again! I won’t welcome your sister the same way I did with ya…I’m afraid she won’t be much better, but at least I’m prepared this time…
God damn!!! I hated you!
No “Happy New Year” exchanges this time! It’s gonna be “TO HELL 2005…”

Creeping melodic EXAMS

Now that exams are knocking on my hell’s door, I settle down after going crazy the whole semester, I fight with Gaouse’s theory, at day, and Bissell’s equation at night, well the ironic thing is; after understanding them by myself - that takes you 10 light years!- because I haven’t attend more than couple of lectures in general, I decide with a very powerful will “ next semester I’m not gonna miss a lecture…even the English one…”, well this is my third semester and I’ve decided this twice by now…now how sad is this!
but you know there are multitude stuff which avoid this decision from seeing the light, first there’s sleeping; during the semester you sleep like 12 hours a day and sit to your P.C the rest of your day, this is kinda pay-off for the sleepless days and nights you’ll be witnessing starting from now...
Then there’re your friends, who are just like the loser you are, and you HAVE to hang out with them all the time, and pay every coffee shop in the city a visit.
And yes…you have to learn fishing...so you miss some lectures to do this, you end up being Rami the small fisherman “رامي الصياد الصغير” but don’t hope for more than ten microscopic fish, and don’t forget the donkey and carrot’s theory… “Some guys know what I mean for sure”.
And there’re the cd’s shops that know you very well by now, because you were blessing them with your visits every couple of days…to finally end up with enormous number of cds…and some new friends: D
And finally there’s your family, which you have to fight with; even this…EVEN this is taking a part of your time…
Akhhhh, do you think I’m gonna stick to my decision this time?? I need to study the hell out of these 9 subjects I have this semester…and I’m not gonna be thinking about the next one.
And since I’m a music maniac, I chose my “EXAM’S PLAYLIST” for this year which surprises many, because it’s not the kind students prefer to play…
My 2005-2006 Exams Playlist:
Bon Jovi ‘Two Story Town’ , Coldplay ‘Fix You, Speed Of Sound’
Creed ‘My Sacrifice, Weathered’ , Deep Purple ‘Soldier of Fortune’
Dire Straits ‘Down To The Water Line’ , The Gathering ‘If Then Else’ album
Godsmack ‘Faceless’ album , In Flames ‘Clay Man’ album
Iron Maiden ‘Dream Of Mirrors, Clansman’
Keane ‘Somewhere Only We Know, Everybody’s Changing, Bedshaped’
Led Zeppelin ‘Stairway to heaven’ , Lene Marlin ‘Another day’ album
Lifehouse ‘You and Me, Blind’ Metallica ‘Fade To Black, Mama Said, The Unforgiving І, Until It Sleeps’
Crematory ‘Unspoken, Memory’ , My Dying Bride ‘Like Gods Of The Son’ album
Placebo ‘Special needs’ , Poets Of The Fall ‘ Signs Of Life’ album
Savatage ‘Hounds, When The Crowds Are Gone, Temptation, Mentally Yours, Sarajevo, This Isn’t What We Meant, Not What You See, Ghost In The Ruins, Out On the Streets, I believe, Alone You Breathe, Stare Into The Sun, All That I Bleed, Follow me’
Sentenced ‘The Cold White Light’ album
Theatre Of Tragedy ‘Velvet Darkness They Fear’ album
Travis ‘The Invisible Band’ album, Him ‘The Dark Light’ album
Some of my fave Fayrouz’s

Don’t ask me how the hell I study while listening to these completely different ppl and genres; but I’m used to this I can't do without music!…if you want share your exam’s playlist “if you have one” with me feel free…it’s kinda tag, so I’m tagging:
1- Change Destiny
2- Zena
3- Grayfox
4- MFLS
5- Muhannad
6- Front Pumper

Blood Brothers

For a good while, I thought; “why do we say words like “Arab world, Sister country, we share the same hopes”?”, and I was convinced that all of these are just bullshit and crap. I believed that “together we stand…divided we fall”. Today, and the time is running…preparing ourselves for the unpredictable future of our own, feeling the “unfair” growing into a giant, feeling that we’re alone, that it’s over, doubting the principles we’ve always considered to be our identity… “ The Better Life” coral, came all the way from Egypt…came to pray for their homeland Syria, for Syria is the homeland of everyone, they came to sing “ Keryamaisons…hallelujahs…” and many other holy pieces, in the front row, a sheikh and a priest sat, holding Syrian flags, and hands, they’re singing too… Thank you Egypt, we need this from you, as we need it from all the arab or lemme say the free world’s countries, I know that prays may not stop what is being prepared , and I know that these people can’t do anything about whatever may happen, but they’re doing what their willing to, and that’s what matters…the will… they wanna stand beside their blood-brothers, they wanna say “ God Protect you holy land” they wanna say “ طوبى للذين يدعون إلى السلام لأنهم أبناء الله" Christians and Muslims, Syrians, Egyptians and Americans! They’re raising a word… and words don’t die of what I heard… I feel that I’m walking now with a hand in mine. Thank you Egypt…

Happy Birthday Me!

so what?! i wanna greet myself! and in my way...a very dear poem..and picture

يا طفلي الأول ...
معلمي الأول...
رفيقي الأول...
العام التاسع عشر من عمري...
إني احترمك كأمي...
و لسوف احترمك...
إني أسير في الطريق الذي سلكته...
و لسوف أسير...
رأسي يتدحرج بعيداً ...
و يجلس العام التاسع عشر من عمري...
على حافة سريري...
بين راحتيّ، و يقول لي :
لنتذكر معا أيام شبابنا...
لقد مرت يا عامي التاسع عشر...
تسع سنوات من عمري ...
منذ احرقنا أغصان الصنوبر في الغابة ...
و أنشدنا الأغاني بصوت واحد ...
و نظرنا إلى القمر في الليل ...
أنا لا أزال أغني القصائد ذّاتها ...
فلم تحولني الريح...
إلى ورقة في مهب الريح ...
لقد سقت الريح أمامي ...
و أنت!
يا من تستطيع تحطيم ما لا يحطم...
أنت قادر على التحديق في عيني...
و الضغط على يديّ...
و أنت!
يا من...
أنت وحدك ...
يا طفلي الأول...
معلمي الأول...

رفيقي الأول...
العام التاسع عشر من عمري ............

this is from me to me with love, wishing myself a happy birthday…. This poem is one of my fave. Nazim Hikmat of course… it’s strange how close his words to me! I guess it’s close to everyone… I’ll take another few words I’m in love with…
"If I didn’t burn,
And you didn’t…
And we didn’t…
Who is it…That will enlighten this darkness?"

doesn't sound really optimistic as a new begining right?!

anyway, special thanx to each of: Lujain, Iyas, Ali... you guys are the best! love you, happy to have you in my life for another year... I'm blessed with you guys... and I mean it.

of course thank you my Adam...though you didn't call me...boohoo..tfoo 3aleek.. but I'm even more blessed with you... there's a deep instinct telling me, I'M GONNA ENJOY MY NEW YEAR... god bless you homeland... thank you god for enriching me in different ways the past year, thank you for dropping nice people into my way.... I can't ask for more

sorry if i hurt, bothered, annoyed or acted as a jerk with any of you...hope i've learnd sth from the past year...yallah cheers guys... ...

WHY??!!!

The Truth that We All Know...

truth hurts?! sure it does, but it hurts more when everybody knows the truth...yet everybody's is blinded... What a sun! you see it but you're walking in complete darkness...
here is the truth..
don't panic! try to see the sun...but don't let its light blind you..

Rock On...

Place: lattakia, the Casino.
Time: 6:00 pm, 25\11\2005 .
Event: the very first rock festival in lattakia.
Contributors: Mute, Nu-Clear-Dawn, Black Castle.

So I was there…and almost everyone was there, but everyone means: everyone who really cares for the Syrian rock scene, I mean I went to many other concerts but this one was completely different, there were like 20 security men, it was organized well, and the bands were AWSEMN.
So Mute – the lattakian band- started the show, and they were – for me- the best, regarding the great vocalist and the brilliant guitarist. Guys! This one is much better than the first formed band, where was that guy – the vocalist- !! rock on guys…hope to hear more of you…more than just cover songs…
Then another victorious band…Nu- Clear- Dawn…I’m just PROUD of em, I mean they composed their own music, lyrics…and everything! The vocalist has a problem yeh…but still it’s the very first band to CREATE sth…and not anything, something that reminds you of the golden bands…like Dio, Dream Theater…and you know…
I recommend their EP. Poem Of A Knight.
And finally I was exhausted and so the guys so we couldn’t stay to listen to all of Black Castle’s, but in general they’re instrumental, and very good at this…
So now after that rocky night, I can say that the rock scene now is witnessing an awakening…and it has developed way ahead… proud of you guys…all of you.

Me In Damascus...the pix

those pix i took while i was in damascus couple of months ago...couldn't upload them till now, well it's raining outside now...and i'm thinking..just like the rain is washing this dirty streets...so you can wash all the bad memories...this simple!! I had good times though..

My second round in tag land

thank you iyado for tagging me since ages...but i really didn't have time for this :


Se7en thinks I want\like to do:
Listen to music…all kinds of music, from the greatest classical pieces to the metal of Iron Maiden. From Fayroze to…no to no one…only AND ONLY Fayroze.
Reading.
Writing.
Playing my guitar.
I wanna improve my programming skills without getting bored!
Spending good times with Luji and Alloush my best friends and yeh…of course spend all the time if I could with my Adam.
Sit in my glassy room…while it’s raining out there, write something good…and listen to fayroze’s voice when mixed with the rain drops’ noise on the glass… with a glass of mateh…hehe lattakian!

Se7en things I don’t want/like to do:
I don’t wanna walk between ppl feeling that I’m walking between shadows!
Knowing that I’m being moody and as a result hurt someone.
Watch Arabian music channels.
Waste my time…then look back with a boohoo face on the wasted times!
I hate to be misunderstood.
Losing someone I really care about…
Tiding my closet.

Se7en things I say most often (with explanation):
tfooooooo 3aleek; shame on you, I almost say it all the time...
nashooo7; dirty, when someone does sth you don’t: agree with/like/know about…and all the treason acts…well it’s proudly a DAMDOM’s word…
Boohoo; how sad! With a sad face and accent (I say it because I’ve heard it a lot the past 10 months.)
baseeta baseeta; take it easy…I say it even when a disaster is coming!
What so ever!; I don’t give a shit…
hous ha!; shut up or else, I used it a lot when I was at high school to tease the boys :D
Cool; cool!!! I say it when I don’t wanna talk much about whatever.
Se7en people I would like to pass this tag to:
sold out...only because every body else already did it...

Eve's Diary...the end:

Friday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and today: all without seeing him. It is a long time to be alone; still, it is better to be alone than unwelcome. I HAD to have a company, I was made for it, -I think- so I made friends with the animals. They are just charming, and they have the politest ways; they never look sour, they never let you feel that you are intruding, they smile at you and wag their tail, if they've got one. I think they are perfect gentlemen. All these days we have had such good times, and it hasn't been lonesome for me, ever. Lonesome!
No, I should say not. Why, there's always a swarm of them around-sometimes as much as four or five acres- you can't count them; I have seen a great deal of the world; almost all of it, I think; and so I am the first traveler, and the only one. For comfort I ride a tiger or a leopard, because it is soft and has a round back that fits me, and because they are such pretty animals; but for long distance or for scenery I ride the elephant.The birds and animals are all friendly to each other, and there are no disputes about anything. They all talk, and they all talk to me, but it must be a foreign language, cus I cannot make out a word they say; yet they often understand me when I talk back, particularly the dog and the elephant. It makes me ashamed. It shows that they are brighter than I am!
I have learned a number of things, and am educated, now, but I wasn't at first. I was ignorant at first. Some things you CAN'T find out; but you will never know you can't by guessing and supposing: no, you have to be patient and go on experimenting until you find out that you can't find out. And it is delightful to have it that way; it makes the world so interesting. If there wasn't anything to find out, it would be dull. Even trying to find out and not finding out is just as interesting as trying to find out and finding out, and I don't know but more so. The secret of the water was a treasure until I GOT it; then the excitement all went away, and I recognized a sense of loss. By experiment I know that wood swims, and dry leaves, and feathers, and plenty of other things; therefore by all that cumulative evidence you know that a rock will swim; but you have to put up with simply knowing it, for there isn't any way to prove it -up to now. But I shall find a way- then THAT excitement will go. Such things make me sad; because by and by when I have found out everything there won't be any more excitements, and I do love excitements so! The other night I couldn't sleep for thinking about it. At first I couldn't make out what I was made for, but now I think it was to search out the secrets of this wonderful world and be happy and thank the Giver of it all for devising it. I think there are many things to learn yet--I hope so; and by economizing and not hurrying too fast I think they will last weeks and weeks. I hope so. When you cast up a feather it sails away on the air and goes out of sight; then you throw up a clod and it doesn't. It comes down, every time. I have tried it and tried it, and it is always so. I wonder why it is. Of course it DOESN'T come down, but why should it SEEM to? I suppose it is an optical illusion. I mean, one of them is. I don't know which one. It may be the feather, it may be the clod; I can't prove which it is, I can only demonstrate that one or the other is a fake, and let a person take his choice. By watching, I know that the stars are not going to last. I have seen some of the best ones melt and run down the sky. Since one can melt, they can all melt; since they can all melt, they can all melt the same night. That sorrow will come I know it. I mean to sit up every night and look at them as long as I can keep awake; and I will impress those sparkling fields on my memory, so that by and by when they are taken away I can by my fancy restore those lovely myriads to the black sky and make them sparkle again, and double them by the blur of my tears.

After the Fall: When I look back, the Garden is a dream to me. It was beautiful, surpassingly beautiful, enchantingly beautiful; and now it is lost, and I shall not see it any more. The Garden is lost, but I have found HIM, and am content. He loves me as well as he can; I love him with all the strength of my passionate nature, and this, I think, is proper to my youth and sex. If I ask myself why I love him, I find I do not know, and do not really much care to know. I love certain birds because of their song; but I do not love Adam on account of his singing, no, it is not that; the more he sings the more I do not get reconciled to it. Yet I ask him to sing, because I wish to learn to like everything he is interested in. I am sure I can learn, because at first I could not stand it, but now I can.
It sours the milk, but it doesn't matter; I can get used to that kind of milk. It is not on account of his education that I love him, no, it is not that. He is self-educated, and does really know a multitude of things, but they are not so.
Then why is it that I love him? MERELY BECAUSE HE IS MASCULINE, I think.He is strong and handsome, and I love him for that, and I admire him and am proud of him, but I could love him without those qualities. Yes, I think I love him merely because he is MINE and is MASCULINE. There is no other reason, I suppose.

Forty Years Later :It is my prayer, it is my longing, that we may pass from this life together, a longing which shall never perish from the earth, but shall have place in the heart of every wife that loves, until the end of time; and it shall be called by my name. But if one of us must go first, it is my prayer that it shall be I; for he is strong, I am weak, I am not so necessary to him as he is to me--life without him would not be life; now could I endure it? This prayer is also immortal, and will not cease from being offered up while my race continues. I am the first wife; and in the last wife I shall be repeated. At Eve's Grave….

Dear reader if you’re ( a he or she...it doesn't matter!) reading these final lines…I really thank you for being very patient and I hope you didn’t get bored along the road to the end of this masterpiece…
And I hope you enjoyed it…

Eve's Diary Part3

Sunday: It is pleasant again, now, and I am happy; but those were heavy days; I do not think of them when I can help it. I tried to get him some of those apples, but I cannot learn to throw straight. I failed, but I think the good intention pleased him. They are forbidden, and he says I shall come to harm; but if I came to harm through pleasing him, why shall I care for that harm?

Monday: This morning I told him my name, hoping it would interest him. But he did not care for it. It is strange. If he should tell me his name, I would care. I think it would be pleasanter in my ears than any other sound. He talks very little. Perhaps it is because he is not bright, and is sensitive about it and wishes to conceal it. It is such a pity that he should feel so, for brightness is nothing; it is in the heart where the values lie. I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is a treasure, and riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty. . No, he took no interest in my name. I tried to hide my disappointment, but I suppose I did not succeed. I went away and sat on the moss-bank with my feet in the water. It is where I go when I hunger for companionship, some one to look at, some one to talk to. It is not enough but it is something, and something is better than utter loneliness. It talks when I talk; it is sad when I am sad; it comforts me with its sympathy; it says, "Do not be downhearted, you poor friendless girl; I will be your friend." It IS a good friend to me, and my only one; it is my sister. That first time that she forsook me! "She was all I had, and now she is gone!" In my despair I said, "Break, my heart; I cannot bear my life any more!" and hid my face in my hands, and there was no solace for me. And when I took them away, after a little, there she was again, white and shining and beautiful, and I jumped into her arms! That was perfect happiness; I had known happiness before, but it was not like this, which was ecstasy. I never doubted her afterward.

Tuesday: All the morning I was at work improving the estate; and I purposely kept away from him in the hope that he would get lonely and come. But he did not. At noon I stopped for the day and took my resting by flitting all around with the bees and the butterflies and reveling in the flowers, those beautiful creatures that catch the smile of God out of the sky and preserve it!
He does not care for flowers. He called them rubbish, and thinks it is superior to feel like that. He does not care for me, he does not care for flowers, he does not care for the painted sky, is there anything he does care for!!! except building shelters to coop himself up in from the good clean rain, and thumping the melons, and sampling the grapes, and fingering the fruit on the trees, to see how those properties are coming along? I laid a dry stick on the ground and tried to bore a hole in it with another one, in order to carry out a scheme that I had, and soon I got an awful fright. A thin, transparent line rose out of the hole, and I dropped everything and ran! I thought it was a spirit, and I WAS so frightened! But I looked back, and it was not coming; so I leaned against a rock and rested,then I crept back, alert, watching, and ready to fly if there was occasion; and when I was near, I parted the branches of a rose-bush and peeped through-, but the sprite was gone.I went there, and there was a pinch of delicate pink dust in the hole. I put my finger in, to feel it, and said OUCH! and took it out again. It was a cruel pain. I put my finger in my mouth; and by standing first on one foot and then the other,I presently eased my misery; then I was full of interest, and began to examine. I was curious to know what the pink dust was. Suddenly the name of it occurred to me, though I had never heard of it before. It was FIRE! I was as certain of it as a person could be of anything in the world. So without hesitation I named it the fire. I had created something that didn't exist before; I had added a new thing to the world's uncountable properties; I realized this, and was proud of my achievement, and was going to run and find him and tell him about it, thinking to raise myself in his esteem, but I hesitated, and didn’t do it. No, he would not care for it. He would ask what it was good for, and what could I answer? If it was not GOOD for something, but only beautiful, merely beautiful… So I sighed, and did not go. I mean really, it wasn't good for anything; it could not build a shack, it could not improve melons, it could not hurry a fruit crop; it was useless, it was foolishness and a vanity; he would despise it and say cutting words. But to me it was not despicable; I said, "Oh, you fire, I love you, you dainty pink creature, for you are BEAUTIFUL, and this is enough!" Then I made another axiom out of my head, though it was so nearly like the first one that I was afraid it was only a plagiarism: "THE BURNT EXPERIMENT SHUNS THE FIRE." When I had made a good deal of fire-dust I emptied it into a handful of dry brown grass, intending to carry it home and keep it always and play with it; but the wind struck it and it sprayed up and spat out at me fiercely, so I dropped it and ran. When I looked back the blue spirit was towering up and stretching and rolling away like a cloud, and instantly I thought of the name of it-SMOKE!-though, upon my word, I had never heard of smoke before. Soon brilliant yellow and red flares shot up through the smoke, and I named them in an instant -FLAMES- and I was right, too, though these were the very first flames that had ever been in the world before. They climbed the trees, then flashed splendidly in and out of the vast and increasing volume of smoke, and I had to clap my hands and laugh and dance, it was so new and strange and so wonderful and so beautiful! He came running, and stopped and gazed, and said not a word for many minutes. Then he asked what it was. Ah, it was too bad that he should ask such a direct question. I had to answer it, of course, and I did. I said it was fire. If it annoyed him that I should know and he must ask; that was not my fault; I had no desire to annoy him. After a pause he asked: "How did it come?" Another direct question and it also had to have a direct answer. "I made it." The fire was traveling farther and farther off. He went to the edge of the burned place and stood looking down, and said: "What are these?" "Fire-coals." He picked up one to examine it, but changed his mind and put it down again.
Then he went away. NOTHING interests him. But I was interested. There were ashes, gray and soft and delicate and pretty -I knew what they were at once-. And the embers; I knew the embers, too. I found my apples, and raked them out, and was glad; for I am very young and my appetite is active. But I was disappointed; they were all burst open and spoiled. Spoiled apparently; but it was not so; they were better than raw ones. Fire is beautiful; some day it will be useful, I think.

Friday: I saw him again, for a moment, last Monday at nightfall, but only for a moment. I was hoping he would compliment me for trying to improve the estate, I had meant well and had worked hard. But he was not pleased, and turned away and left me. He was also displeased on another account: I tried once more to persuade him to stop going over the falls. That was because the fire had revealed to me a new passion-quite new-, and distinctly different from love, grief, and those others which I had already discovered-FEAR-. And it is horrible! I wish I had never discovered it; it gives me dark moments, it spoils my happiness, it makes me shiver and tremble and shudder. But I could not persuade him, cus he hasn’t discovered fear yet, and so he could not understand me.

Getting in the talkshow about hijab

I have my say in this too, I was willing to comment yazan , or roba about their own posts, but it was too long for a comment!
1- I do disrespect both al muhajabat and not ones; I do disrespect both men and women WHEN they’re disrespecting their big gift of being human beings.
2- I do hate to be disrespected because I don’t wear al-hijab and be called a b**** for being the normal girl I am “not pretending to be someone else whom I’m not!”, while I know “put a number from 1 to 10000” girls who wear hijab and their illusion is as clear as the sun, yet they’re the angels of this society. (That doesn’t mean that there aren’t angels between the rest of almuhajabat), and we’re the demons!
3- We’re wrapped, we’re meant to be followed by this myth that some people created, that the main difference is a piece of clothes…while deep inside is where the real difference is lying.
4- Al-hijab doesn’t protect one woman from being abused when walking down the street, if you’re thinking of protection as a main reason for why do women wear al-hijab. I was informed by one of my best friends, who went to Mecca to do al-3omrah that men were looking at women “who were wearing al khimar!” with desire….yeh at the holy mosque of Prophet Muhammad!!
5- It’s very important, that one should differentiate between what god’s holy book is about, and what those new “du3aat”= religion guiders, may bring to ones mind in a very professional- can’t be refused way of conviction. And don’t forget that we’re living in a world where everything can be sold for money…even people’s inner peace and soul.
6- When you don’t use this piece of shit you carry above your shoulders, that’s when you deserve to go to hell, and for me, it’s very important to test everything myself, and make sure it suites my values before I let anything take its way into my mind, on the other hand, wearing millions of covers means nothing when your mind is turned off.
7- As long as, men think its their right to look at girls with desire and say nasty stuff that makes one shakes, then go home and beat their sisters for listening to dancing music, we’re doing nothing here…and it’s a waste of time to talk about al-hijab….we need some more time I guess…
8- Traditions are something we must consider, it’s not that a woman mustn’t wear al-hijab because her mom does (we unconsciously help old people to cross the street because it’s something we grew up on, to respect the older, should we give up on this because it’s just a tradition?!), no this ain’t the part of tradition that should be repealed, it’s the part when they put in their children’s mind the idea that they’re superior to none-muhajbat.
9- Finally, Einstein’s relativity theory is a good example which proves that we’ll never get along with each other 100%, but again, it’s ok for me to argue with you, but it’s completely refused that you demean me for my own beliefs and values. Meaning; not because I don’t agree with you I must agree with you!!!.as ziad rahabany said in el3a2l zieneh…."سلمى: يعني إذا ما وافقت معك على رأيك، لازم وافق معك على رأيك؟!"
10- One last thing, there are so many un-solved issues we must start talking about to find ways to solve them, I mean while we’re talking about al-hijab, there’s a girl who’s being murdered by her family and still, it’s a crime in the name of honor in law!, there are brothers and sisters who are having sex together because they think nobody’s watching or no one will speak out loud about it, and because these girls still have this “ my brother won’t tell anyone about this!” idea in mind…and yes…there are children who are being raped by their religion teachers at some places!!! Hijab is not that big deal compared to those complicated, but existing, issues, our society is deeply sick…let’s try to wash these rubbishes away, instead of throwing them at each other.
Peace…in. and notice my blog address...

Slipping off the age…edge

Eid’s morning: my daddy used to put our “3edieh” under our pillows and kiss us a very sweet kiss thinking that we’re sleeping like angels, and once he closes the door we jump and check our dear pennies…then we follow him to jump on his shoulders and kiss him a sweeter kiss…
Mom...the dearest ever, we used to kiss her forehead, listen to her “mubarakeh” thinking that every single word she’ll say will turn true…
Putting on our new beautiful eid’s clothes was my favorite part, then going to see relatives…even this mission used to cheer us…
Buying candies…and kites…flying them…and flying with them…
Coming back home totally exhausted…sleeping like angels again…
GOD!!! What happened to that lil gurl I used to be?? Where is she?? I know she’s hiding somewhere inside…but it’s fogy in there…lots of clouds preventing her from getting to the surface…I mean daddy did the same thing today, but I didn’t feel his kisses! I went to bed about 4am yesterday…because I’m having troubles and I can’t sleep well these days, so I was sleeping like a pig…I know they say this about food “eating like a pig” but nah…for me it is perfectly ok to use it this way, and finally when I woke up they weren’t home “my parents”…
A mug of Nescafe and a piece of nestle chocolate, instead of the special “tea and Ma’amoul and 3ajweh” breakfast…
Turning on the T.V, because it’s kinda habit, it’s already on al-jazeerah ch, “dom…ta’ah…deijjj…booovvvvvvvvvvvvvv”, if you’re thinking that these are the usual children’s plastic- guns noise…sorry to disappoint you…they’re definitely not!! Thry’re real bombs…blowing ppl in Spain in a second and others in Iraq the next second…
A “Syria” word dropped my attention to the box again… but it’s not the lovely Syrian national and folkloric songs we used to enjoy every eid…no… they’re talking about reconsidering the Syrian issue at the Security Council...
Putting on the clothes…not the new ones…because I don’t have any, we’re buying new clothes all year long… eid’s clothes mean nothing to us anymore, but I can do with my Mickey jeans…
A relative is calling…let that phone rings forever I’m not answering it…relatives mean nothing to me anymore…
I leave home…aimlessly…not being able to buy a smile, money can’t buy one, so I decide to draw a smile on someone’s face…give a poor man every penny I have, and now I have to go home walking…kites are still flying in the sky...but none is mine.
Coming back home exhausted, not physically…but mentally…
Why I can’t push that little gurl to the surface?!
Why did I have to give up on her? I miss her…I need her; I badly need her innocence, purity and carelessness.
I wish I can go back to those days when we slept like angels…

SLEEP..

Hmm…I woke up this morning and the same embarrassing question was my “good morning” to me….do I put on my clothes and go to my univ.? let’s see what do we have 2day or should I say what is left for the day… because it was 9:30, my attempts to find my college’s schedule reached a blocked door…but GOD…a sunny morning is waiting for me…gotta catch up with it…and I said what da heck?! I’ll go to the library try to knock down some of my studying mountains, and that’s what I did…took my cd-player…and nothing but Poets of The Fall’s “Signs of Life” album, headed to the library…bought my coffee, a smile was upon my face… “ I’m gonna have fun 2day” this is what I heard myself telling me…let yesterday go to hell…actually it already went there, but you can’t go that far with such an optimistic-positive attitude, little bothering things always find some way to spoil the freewill of mine… “Through your coffee away…this is a library not a cafeteria”, was the first pain in the ass, but that couldn’t fickle my already in mind vision of my day, so I started to study, when some of my best friends came in…didn’t say hi…heh!!! What da hell is wrong with him? Let go gurl… “sa7tek bel denieh” I told myself…I got on with my studying again…to find out that I can’t get anything anymore! Why? I still don’t have an answer…but it wasn’t the coffee…it wasn’t my friend’s neglecting either.
I gathered my pieces and left the library and surprise!! It was raining!! Oh just another sign that I HAVE to blow one last breeze at my day’s blazes before they die, so I took it my way…put my earphones…turned on the machine while walking under the rain…smelling the ground’s special rainy smell, watching how beautiful Lattakia sometimes can be…I can’t write down the questions I carried home after this journey, I forgot half of them. Going with my sister to her “physical therapy” couldn’t make my day much better…going to my guitar lesson was a break… then finally going to one of my school friend’s birthday was really all that I need! GoSh!!! Sitting to people I only meet once a year, and others I don’t even know… “What Are You Doing Here For Heaven’s Sake??!!”…maybe everybody else had fun…but I couldn’t put on a smiley face as usual, though I did when taking photos, the sign this time was “ Screw this day”, so I declared “ Just Another Bad Day Is Over”…I’m writing this while listening to “Sleep”…thinking about my Adam…dear if you’re reading this “ if not, why?!”…
I just want you to know that I spent the last night singing this “Sleep” song to you…hoping you hear me …feel me, though it’s miles between, but it’s only a map thingy as we always believed, and I wanna dedicate it once again to you, I’ll be waiting when this -bad phase- is gone, I just hope it won’t last for too long…because I miss you…and:
Hear your heartbeat Beat a frantic pace
And it's not even seven AM
You're feeling the rush of anguish settling
You cannot help showing them in.
So hurry up then
Or you'll fall behind
and They will take control of you
And you need to heal
The hurt behind your eyes
Fickle words crowding your mind
So…Sleep, sugar, let your dreams flood in,
Like waves of sweet fire, you're safe within.
Sleep, sweetie, let your floods come rushing in,
And carry you over to a new morning
Try as you might You try to give it up
Seems to be holding on fast
It's hand in your hand A shadow over your
A beggar for soul in your face
Still it don't matter
If you won't listen
If you won't let them follow you
You just need to heal
Make good all your lies
Move on and don't look behind
Day after day
Fickle visions
Messing with your head
Fickle vicious
Sleeping in your bed
Messing with your head
Fickle visions Fickle vicious…

What Do You Think??

Share your mind with us,
And please if there are other options I’ve missed let me know…because for me I couldn’t think of another thing…there are lots of details that you may think about, but we can put them all in all under those three titles:

what of the options below, you think is the closest?
	Wind (hurricane) of change (a major regime change or even the regime behavior)
	Sanctions to be adopted by the Security Council…tomorrow the 25 of oct…
	Iraqi scenario to be repeated (considering many facts can lead to put this option on the roof)
Free polls from Pollhost.com

SURPRISE!!!

for my surprise the result is 50% to both the first and the second options...hmm i didn't think that so many ppl will think that the regime will fall down...thanx to everyone who shared this with me...i'll discuss this in other post...not now cuz am not in mood for politics..

Eve's Diary Part2

Sunday: It is up there yet. Resting, apparently. But that is a subterfuge: Sunday isn't the day of rest; Saturday is appointed for that. It looks to me like that creature is more interested in resting than anything else. It would tire me to rest so much. It tires me just to sit around and watch the tree. I do wonder what it is for; I never see it do anything!!!They returned the moon last night, and I was SO happy! I think it is very generous of them. It slid down and fell off again, but I was not distressed; there is no need to worry when one has that kind of neighbors I do; they will fetch it back. I wish I could do something to show my appreciation. I would like to send them some stars, we do have more than we can use. I mean “I”, not “we”, cus I can see that the reptile gives a shit for stuff like these!! It has low tastes, and is not kind. When I went there yesterday evening in the gloaming it had crept down and was trying to catch the little fishes that play in the pool, and I had to clod it to make it go up the tree again and let them alone. I wonder if THAT is what it is for!! Doesn’t it have any heart? Hasn't it any compassion for those little creatures? Can it be that it was designed and manufactured for such ungentle work? It has the look of it. One of the clods took it back of the ear, and it used a language. It gave me a thrill, for it was the first time I had ever heard a speech, except my own of course. I did not understand the words, but they seemed expressive. When I found it could talk I felt a new interest in it, for I love to talk; I talk, all day, and in my sleep, too, and I am very interesting, but if I had another to talk to I could be twice as interesting, and would never stop, if desired. If this reptile is a man, it isn't an “IT”, is it? That wouldn't be grammatical, right? I think it would be “HE”. I think so. Well, I will consider it a man and call it “he” until it turns out to be something else. This will be handier than having so many doubts.

A Week After: All the week I tagged around after him and tried to get to know him better. I had to do the talking, because he was shy, but I didn't mind it. He seemed pleased to have me around, and I used the sociable "WE" a good deal, because it seemed to flatter him to be included.

Wednesday: We are getting along very well indeed, now, and getting better and better acquainted. He does not try to avoid me any more, which is a good sign, and shows that he likes to have me with him. That pleases me, and I study to be useful to him in every way I can, so as to increase his regard. During the last day or two I have taken all the work of naming things off his hands, and this has been a great relief to him, cus he has no gift in that line, and he’s very grateful. He can't think of a rational name to save him, but I do not let him see that I am aware of his defect. Whenever a new creature comes along I name it before he has time to expose himself by an awkward silence. In this way I have saved him many embarrassments. I have no defect like this. The minute I set eyes on an animal I know what it is. I don't have to reflect a moment; the right name comes out instantly, just as if it were an inspiration, no doubt it is, cus I am sure I didn’t know it half a minute before. I seem to know just by the shape of the creature and the way it acts, what animal it is. When the dodo came along he thought it was a wildcat, I saw it in his eye. But I saved him. And I was careful not to do it in a way that could hurt his pride. I just spoke up in a quite natural way of pleasing surprise, and not as if I was dreaming of conveying information, and said, "Well, I do declare, if there isn't the dodo!" I explained -without seeming to be explaining-how I know it for a dodo, and although I thought maybe he was a little annoyed that I knew the creature when he didn't, it was quite evident that he admired me. That was very agreeable, and I thought of him more than once with gratification before I slept. How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it! Thursday: my first sorrow!! Yesterday he avoided me and seemed to wish I would not talk to him. I could not believe it, and thought there was some mistake, I mean…I loved to be with him, and loved to hear him talk, and so how could it be that he could feel unkind toward me when I had not done anything? But at last it seemed true, so I went away and sat lonely in the place where I first saw him the morning that we were made and I did not know what he was and wasn’t concerned about him; but now it was a sad place, and every little think spoke of him, and my heart was very sore. I did not know why very clearly, it was a new feeling; I had not experienced it before, and it was all a mystery and I could not make it out. But when night came I could not bear the loneliness, and went to the new shelter which he has built, to ask him what I had done that was wrong and how I could mend it and get back his kindness again; but he put me out in the rain, and it was my first sorrow.

Eve's Diary...at last!

Saturday: I am almost a whole day old, now. I arrived yesterday, that is as it seems to me. And it must be so, for if there was a day-before-yesterday I was not there when it happened, or I should remember it. It could be, of course, that it did happen, and that I was not noticing. Very well; I will be very watchful now, and if any day-before-yesterdays happen I will make a note of it. It will be best to start right and not let the record get confused, my instinct tells me that these details are going to be important to the historian some day. For I feel like an experiment, I feel exactly like an experiment; it would be impossible for a person to feel more like an experiment than I do, and so I am coming to feel convinced that that is what I AM--an experiment; just an experiment, and nothing more. Then if I am an experiment, am I the whole of it? No, I think not; I think the rest of it is a part of. I am the main part of it, but I think the rest of it has its share in the matter. Is my position assured, or do I have to watch it and take care of it? The latter, perhaps. Some instinct tells me that eternal vigilance is the price of supremacy. [That is a good phrase, I think, for one so young.] Everything looks better today than it did yesterday. In the rush of finishing up yesterday, the mountains were left in a ragged condition, and some of the plains were so cluttered with rubbish and remnants that the aspects were quite distressing. Noble and beautiful works of art should not be subjected to haste; and this majestic new world is indeed a most noble and beautiful work. And certainly marvelously near to being perfect, considering the shortness of the time. There are too many stars in some places and not enough in others, but that can be fixed presently, no doubt. The moon got loose last night, and slid down and fell out of the scheme… a very great loss; it breaks my heart to think of it. There isn't another thing among the ornaments and decorations that is comparable to it for beauty and finish. It should have been fastened better. If we can only get it back again!But of course there is no telling where it went to. And besides, whoever gets it will hide it; I know it because I would do it myself. I believe I can be honest in all other matters, but I already begin to realize that the core and center of my nature is love of the beautiful, a passion for the beautiful, and that it would not be safe to trust me with a moon that belonged to another person and that person didn't know I had it. I could give up a moon that I found in the daytime, because I should be afraid some one was looking; but if I found it in the dark, I am sure I should find some kind of an excuse for not saying anything about it. For I do love moons, they are so pretty and so romantic. I wish we had five or six; I would never go to bed; I should never get tired lying on the moss-bank and looking up at them. Stars are good, too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair. But I suppose I will never... you would be surprised to find how far they are, because they look closer. When they first showed, last night, I tried to knock some down with a pole, but it didn't reach, which astonished me; then I tried clods till I was all tired out, but I never got one. It was because I am left-handed and cannot throw well. Even when I aimed at the one I wasn't after… I couldn't hit it, though I did make some close shots, cus I saw the black blot of the clod sail right into the midst of the golden clusters forty or fifty times, just barely missing them, and if I could have held out a little longer maybe I could have got one. So I cried a little, which was natural, I suppose, for one of my age, and after I rested I got a basket and started for a place on the extreme rim of the circle, where the stars were close to the ground and I could get them with my hands, which would be better, anyway, because I could gather them tenderly then, and not break them. But it was farther than I thought, and at last I had to give it up; I was so tired I couldn't drag my feet another step; and besides, they were sore and hurt me very much. I couldn't get back home; it was too far and turning cold; but I found some tigers and nestled in among them and were most adorably comfortable, and their breath was sweet and pleasant, because they live on strawberries. I had never seen a tiger before, but I knew them in a minute by the stripes.
Today I am getting better ideas about distances. I was so eager to get hold of every pretty thing that I giddily grabbed for it, sometimes when it was too far off, and sometimes when it was but six inches away but seemed a foot…alas!!, with thorns between! I learned a lesson; also I made an axiom, all out of my own head, my very first one; THE SCRATCHED EXPERIMENT SHUNS THE THORN. I think it is a very good one for one so young. I followed the other Experiment around, yesterday afternoon, at a distance, to see what it might be for, if I could. But I was not able to make out. I think it is a man. I had never seen a man before, but it looked like one, and I feel sure that is what it is. I realized that I feel more curiosity about it than about any of the other reptiles. If it is a reptile, and I suppose it is; for it has frowzy hair and blue eyes, and looks like a reptile. It has no hips; it tapers like a carrot; when it stands, it spreads itself apart like a derrick; so I think it is a reptile, though it may be architecture. I was afraid of it at first, and started to run every time it turned around, I thought it was going to chase me; but by and by I found it was only trying to get away, so after that I was not timid any more, but tracked it along, several hours, about twenty yards behind, which made it nervous and unhappy. At last it was a good deal worried, and climbed a tree. I waited a good while, then gave it up and went home. Today the same thing over... I've got it up the tree again.

My Black & White Coll..